How To Know You're Growing Older

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the
wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
You favorite part of the newspaper is 25 years ago today.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in the rocking chair and can't make it go.
You knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as old-timer.
You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortuneteller offers to read your face.
The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

-Anonymous